Believing in what God was telling me was a struggle. I am not used to trusting in people. I am used to people giving me false hope, manipulating me, lying to me, leading me on… I feared believing in all the signs God had given to me.
I don’t want to believe I am Pregnant. I cannot accept this. Why can’t I ever go through something normal? Does something always have to be going on? I’m so tired of dealing with things.
Call me selfish, but I didn’t want what God wanted. I fought with Him. I want a normal pregnancy. I want to be with a man who loves me, supports me, and treats me right before I get pregnant. I want to be married and in a good situation. I want to find out I am pregnant by a pregnancy test and go on the normal course of how most women go through a pregnancy. I want the big round bump and well defined baby kicks. God please don’t do this to me.
I spent my days praying, learning about God, and making changes. Nights were not so fun. I spent them crying, trying to figure out what was going on, and being angry at God for not fixing this. Just make it go normal.
I never knew what tough love was until now…
God didn’t give me everything I wanted or asked for, but when I was down He encouraged me.
He spoke these two scriptures to me:
I didn’t totally get them at first because I’m trusting in the Lord with all my heart and leaning not on my own understanding so… maybe I’m not pregnant and God is doing something else I don’t understand. How do I know what I hope for when I’m not supposed to lean on my own understand. I don’t know what the heck is going on anymore.
Denial is a real thing. But these scriptures have been a powerful influence in my journey.