Careful what you pray for… is what I keep hearing… 

A LONG time ago I had been praying that God do something in my life I knew only He could do. I have a feeling this might be it. 

Scares me a little because I’m not afraid to admit. I sometimes don’t feel I CAN trust Him. 

I have suffered tremendously through this. I know if He wanted to He could snap His fingers and give me what I need most, but He hasn’t. I understand it’s in His time. Etc etc.

BUT! In the Bible it says 

If God is my Father then why is He provoking me to be angry? 

I pray, Fast, and try to do everything I’m supposed to do (I’m not perfect) I share how I feel, what I need, what I’m going through. I’m honest, upfront, and continue to seek Him yet I have asked for big confirmations and I don’t get them. 

I also ask for confirmations that I’m not pregnant, but I don’t get those either. How am I supposed to confidently do His will if I don’t receive guidance from Him? How am I supposed to not give up when I don’t want to be a fool and believe something that may not be real? How am I supposed to trust Him if I can’t count on Him to be there when I need Him most? 

I wouldn’t be saying these things if I didn’t feel this way. 

Why would He allow people to discourage me, be blinded by things, and insinuate that I have alter motives if He wants me to continue to trust Him? Why wouldn’t He surround me with protection by bringing more positive people into my life? Why wouldn’t He give me grace and mercy? What have I done to be put through so much pain and struggle? 

How am I supposed to give a testimony if I end up not being pregnant? How am I supposed to have faith in something if i was led to believe this was a promise from Him but it didn’t happen? Who do I have to believe in at that point?

I prayed, God do something in my life I knew only He could do. 

I do believe everything that has happened happened for a reason, but how do I know if He will fulfill His promise when He has left me and hasn’t given me what I need? 

I’m over this. I’m tired of going through this. 

If THIS pregnancy ended up being a miscarriage then there is nothing to believe in. Things go back to the way they always used to be. Nothing changed.

To me, if I end up meeting someone and getting pregnant that isn’t God, that’s life. I don’t care how good it would be it wouldn’t change the way I felt about THIS experience. 

I feel like my relationship with God right now is similar to ones I have with people. I give give give and will seldomly get anything in return leaving me feeling exhausted. I’m not going to do that anymore. 

I’m taking a step back. Until I receive something I need I can’t give again. 


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