Trying again

I’m really trying to meditate again on the scriptures God gave me… 

I understand the trust part. I need to trust, that’s a process. But lean not on my own understanding… this is what gets me… so what exactly in this situation is my own understanding? Because I have prayed, fasted, prayed some more, waited, read books, fasted, prayed etc. 

the answers I have been getting through doing those things have become my understanding so does that mean I shouldn’t trust it? 

I have not seen a MAJOR turn of events that shows these things to be true. Like a positive pregnancy test, a big round bump, frequent visible movement on the outside … more obvious signs… Okay so on to the next scripture… 

Now with the information I just gave you from Proverbs 3:5, take that and apply it to this… if I’m not supposed to lean on my own understanding then how can I have faith and hope that the answers I have been getting are true? 

If I can’t see anything then why would I believe in it? Why would I have faith in something I have an understanding of but I’m not supposed to lean on that understanding? Wouldn’t that set me up for failure if I did? 

If I trust in it and it wasn’t what I thought it was and I prayed, fasted, waited, seeked God etc… then I’m going to be angry. I would not understand why God would allow me to have that understanding after I know how much time and effort I put into seeking the truth. I would feel abandon, confused, betrayed, lied to, manipulated, and I would feel that way towards God because I didn’t just jump into the car and drive so to speak. 

I prayed, fasted, read, seeked God, waited, prayed (every night), fasted, read, seeked God, waited etc etc.. 

I know it’s all in Gods timing. I get that. But I am a human and I do need to be shown by actions in order to trust. I am not a I’ll trust you person and know He will follow through. That’s too dangerous. 

I just don’t know what it’s going to take. I’m at a breaking point again. 

I’m going in the same circle again. I’m ready to give up trusting all together 


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