Up Down Back Forth

I’m happy I prayed for God to do something in my life only He can do because I need to see the truth.

Every day we hear about positive thinking. How people changed their thinking so it changed their life.

Most religions practice the concept of accepting things for the way they are, thinking positive, having faith, and believing.

If positivity can have such a positive effect on a persons life, does a person really need God to see a change in their life?

That’s my question. And that is why my prayer is ” God do something in my life I know only you could do. ”

I need something miraculous. I need that thing to happen where only God is the answer why.

If I think positively and see changes, that isn’t God it’s just a change in thinking, it’s man made. It’s a choice.

The Holy Spirit came over me in the beginning of when this experience started and said “everything is going to be okay.” Meaning I was given spiritual knowledge that everything is going to be okay. God knows all, at least that’s what I’m told and everyone tells me. So if God knows all then He knows what I need, how I feel, and what I’m going through.

I’m expected to believe, have faith, have patience, and trust in God through my experience and if I don’t I won’t receive the promise. I’m coming to a point where I don’t really care because as you have read, I have been begging God for answers of substance. I do not want videos, songs, words of encouragement , etc etc… I need something substantial to move forward.

If God knows all then He knew I would feel this way now so why hasn’t He stepped in and been there for me knowing I’m on the verge of suicide?

In my heart, I do not feel much joy. Maybe sometimes. I do not have anything to hope for. I do not have anything to have faith in. There are days where I don’t care what happens to my life and just wish God would take me. I have nothing to live for.

Everything in my life has always been a struggle. Everything always has to come with a challenge, a setback, disappointment. I’ve always been known to be very optimistic (I actually received an award for It) but I’ve come to a point in my life where I’ve just completely given up. I don’t want the things that come with such a struggle. I’m over it.

I feel like God already knows this or knew this. He knew the whole outline of what was/is going to happen. It says in Proverbs 19:21 you can make plans, but Gods purpose will prevail.. so I wonder why does God want me to feel this way? This challenge no longer makes me want to seek Him or rely on Him. Now, I’m ready to turn away from Him because of the circumstances of my life.

Another verse is 2 Peter 3:9 the Lord is not slack concerning His promise as some men count slackness not willing that any should perish but that all come to true repentance. Another version of this verse is God isn’t really being slow about his promise, He is being careful of everyone’s salvation so none perish…

I’m thinking I may be the one who perishes. Through this all I’m just done. If God wants to do a miracle in my life, if He wants to show me He loves me unconditionally by staying true to His promise and loving me knowing what I’ve been through and my struggles then regardless whether I believe or not His purpose will prevail.

That is my thinking. I believe it’s very logical.

The other thing is .. I’m going through a Cryptic Pregnancy… that is where the person who is pregnant cannot accept it therefore denies it but is pregnant… (I believe I am ONLY because I was trying to trust in what God has revealed to me) a Phantom Pregnancy is when a woman believes she is pregnant but isn’t… she will look pregnant, have HCG, basically be pregnant but without a baby…

My thinking on this matter… I posted this photo not long ago


The problem with this is…  it says if my faith is wavering then I am not able to receive so if I do have waivering faith does that mean that my Pregnancies existence is based on whether or not I believe in it without a doubt? Because that would mean if I continue with my waivered faith and God doesn’t fulfill his promise to me then I had a phantom pregnancy… but if I believe then the baby will be there? Like that doesn’t make sense to me. Things are what they are. It is what it is. If there is a baby in there then it doesn’t matter if I believe.  Numbers 23:19 says “God is not a man so He cannot lie …” then whether or not I believe or trust shouldn’t matter. If God  wants to do something in my life. If my plans don’t matter because His purpose will prevail and all these verses are true then I don’t need to trust, have faith, or believe.

What I need is to see. I am (hu)man, that is my nature. If God is the God of truth and He sent me on this journey for a reason then one thing I do believe is that He will keep His promise, reveal the truth to me, and follow through regardless of what I’m going through or how I feel.

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