I had a dream a couple nights ago.
In the dream, I was driving in the car with 4 people. The person in the passengers front seat morphed into part animal with claws, but it wasn’t a bad angry, it was a I’m sick of this morph.
There were people looking for someone. I didn’t know what was going on but knew these people were going to come after me if they saw me.
I ran away into this room connected to the room we were in. Like a connected hotel room. The person saw as soon as I went to run and sent one of his guys to come get me.
The guy was trying to get into the room. I knew I had no where to go so I was going to try to hide between these two dressers. He came in. I had the choice to hide and possibly be unseen or stand up and face whatever it was they wanted me for.
I choose to stand up and face it.
I decided to look up the key points to this dream. Here is what I gathered.
I have had a very hard time accepting that I am pregnant. I just don’t see how this is possible given the circumstances. A fear I’m going to conquer is trusting God. I’ve been avoiding believing In what He has shown me. I have this deep rooted issue of feeling unworthy. I have been told my whole life people love me, making promises to me, but these same people have abandon me, abused me, not followed through, and never cared how I felt when I was upset or feeling let down.
I was always yelled at for feeling the way I did which made me feel uncared for.
When I was 15 I was molested by my step dad. I told my mom, but she didn’t believe me. She said I was saying it for attention. I told my dad and he was there for me. My dad and I went to court facing my step dad and the rest of my family on his side. I was so hurt my mom would think I would make up a lie like that. I felt unloved, insecure of my safety, uncared for, abandoned, betrayed and so many other negative feelings.
I lost a piece of myself after going through that. I always felt unworthy of love, unimportant, rejected I started drowning myself with drugs and alcohol. The only thing that became important to me was my outward appearance of my body. Having the best body I could. I felt as long as I looked good I was happy.
I was diagnosed with ADHD and PTSD so I got prescribed Adderall. I believe subconsciously I took that diagnoses and used it to legally get prescribed adderall for the weightloss effects. Adderall kept me in my own little world of studying things just to have an excuse to stay in and avoid life. I worked out excessively to take up more time and avoid more things. I lived this orderly strict life just to feel like it was okay to keep everyone out.
The anxiety from the Adderall caused my PTSD to get bad to where I never wanted to leave the house or meet new people or do anything I didn’t know would happen.
The dieting, drugs, excessive exercise, eating disorder, low body fat has wrecked havoc on my body, mind, and spirit.
Restoring my relationship with God has been a process because I’m afraid to let go and trust Him, it’s the scariest thing I will do in my life thus far. I have been let down and hurt so much that I’m afraid to believe in something I can’t see. I’m afraid to conquer this experience because I haven’t had the confidence in myself or belief in myself that I can handle it or that it will happen or that I’m worthy to receive such a big blessing. It’s hard for me to believe God would do something like this for me.
I think things some times like there has to be some kind of catch but God does what He says He is going to do and I just have to accept that. I have to face what I’m afraid of. I have to surrender and accept what God is doing for me. Breathe.