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My thoughts on Love

Thoughts going through my head recently have been pretty logical. 

It says God is Love. If that’s the case then why does he test people to see how faithful and loyal they are to him? Why would someone who loves you want to put you through hard times just to see how you’ll react? Like Job. God allowed Satan to mess up Jobs life and Job was rewarded because he didn’t blame God…. that doesn’t make sense to me. 

If someone was being beat up by someone else I wouldn’t stand there to see what they’d do like a boxing match. Because I care I would do something about it so that person wouldn’t have to go through more pain. 

I need certain things to move forward, to believe, and continue to have faith and increase my faith. Similar to working and getting paid. My check has been on back order. 

For years I’d go on denying myself of what I needed to prevent chaos or any negativity. I’m not going to do that anymore. Now I stand up for myself because I deserve to give myself the best and what I need. I’m done feeling like my life is unfair because I didn’t go out to give myself what I need. 

I grew up with family who went to church and believe in God yet some of them are completely miserable and are in denial about there own state of being. They simply don’t question anything. 
Me on the other hand I am not going to believe in something just because a promise is waved in front of me or because I’m told to believe in it. Something needs to happen or make sense to me in order for me to commit my life to it. 

Now there has been quite a few supernatural things that have taken place that would prove there is a supernatural. But until what has been revealed to me happens it’s simply just supernatural things that have happened. 

It’s like being promised something and it’s taken so long that it’s like yeah some cool stuff happened but to make it real would be follow through. I understand there is a time and a season for harvest blah blah. 

Things lose there flavor. Things start to die. The only thing to do is move on. 

I don’t have a fight left in me anymore. I’ve always been the type of person who ends up not caring anymore. I become indifferent because I’ve held on for as long as I could but nothing’s changed and nothings happened. 

The videos, songs, specific words said to me have lost there meaning. 

Now I will move on with positive thinking. I’m not going to let this experience rob me of my happiness. 

I wanted to believe in God but at this point there are too many contradictions. 

I feel if God loved me this would have gone a different way. I feel like if God was real He wouldn’t have allowed me to get to this point. He would care about my salvation. I feel if God loved me He would understand what I need, why I feel the way I do, and be there to create positive change. 

I need to see things happen at this point and that is what I need. I’ve asked like it says in the Bible but I have yet to receive. In order to increase my faith I need success in certain things and that has yet to happen. The road has not been prosperous which brings me to why I feel the way I do right now. I’m not going to feel down on myself because I made a choice to be open to God and it failing. I gave everything I had but it hasn’t been successful thus giving up and moving on seems like the best thing to do. 

I read the other day. If God wants to bless you he will find a way for you to get that blessing. If God loves me He will still bless me despite my decision because he will understand why. 

I’ve been through a lot and I’m tired of being strung along. I’m ready to see things happen. I did the best I could but my efforts have been exhausted. 

My logic is let’s hypothetically say the supernatural things weren’t from God. If God loved me and cared about my salvation He wouldn’t have allowed it to happen knowing all about everything like exactly how I’m feeling right now. I will not blame myself for what I believe from the supernatural things that happened because I didn’t ask for this, it just happened to me then I started to do my part in seeking Him and understanding. 

I can only do what I know is best. As far as where I am today there is no evidence that God is working in my life. Nothing beyond normal human changes with time have happened. Which brings me to why at this point I think it’s more about a persons mentality than God. 

I believe the truth always reveals itself in time. Things can be talked about all day and night. But the truth always comes to light. 

I’d have more faith if I had more success. 

I’d have more trust if things happened. 

It’s been a year and a half so if someone wants to say be patient, be on your way. If nothing has progressed in that time to me that reveals that it’s because of my thinking. I believe if God was there the results would be different. The progress would be greater and more obvious. Growth creates change but it’s slow much like what I’ve experienced. Supernatural things have happened in my life but nothing within me. 

That’s just the truth. 

To me God is a force beyond positive thinking and that force has been absent. The proof is in the pudding. 

I don’t need another tribulation. I need a miracle. I don’t need another test. I need results.

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Something Real

This life has brought me to a point of desire to what is real. 

I don’t care about what is promised as much as I care about what was promised to be the one thing in my life that is real. 

See it’s about receiving the promise. I’m doing my best with what was given to me. What’s left is the desire to obtain what is real. God. Are you real? This will answer that for me.

Seek. Sought. But not forgotten. 

I want something real. 

Love


I have learned so much going through this tribulation. 

I have learned that it’s okay to feel the way I do even if others don’t accept it or discount it. I have learned to be true to my self. 

I have learned that those who truly love me will be there for me no matter what im going through or how things look. They may not agree but they are there.

I have learned what I am willing to put up with and what my own beliefs and views are. I have also learned how to stick up for what I believe in. 

As far as my relationship with God is. I don’t really know what to say about that. I am standing firm in what my own views are, how I feel, and sticking up for what I believe. 

Thus far I absolutely believe in the supernatural. 

I made two oaths to God and I will keep them. I have been through too much in my life to allow what I believe to be taken away from me without drawing my own line. 

God has allowed everything that has happened in my life to make me who I am today. Like it says in Esther. 


He spoke a promise over my life. I believe everything happens for a reason. If that wasn’t true then that would mean I don’t accept Gods plan. 

I will not and do not accept what any pastor says when they say “don’t let your anger (vice) keep you from your blessing.” I am not going to sit here and be afraid and scared I am going to miss out or lose something. If God wants it to happen He is going to allow it. The things that have happened over my life have brought me to this point. It says in the Bible 


Numbers 23:19 


Never dismiss your feelings. The most negative thing a person can do is discount how they feel to make other people satisfied. If my anger about something or someone keeps me from a “reward” then why would I want it anyway? I’m not perfect. I need compassion. I need to feel understood and loved. I do not want to feel like things will be taken away from me just because my feelings don’t measure up to expectations. 

I will not give in to that mentality. Whatever God has planned for me it will happen no matter what. It’s written all over the Bible. 


At the moment, I am feeling short changed and yes that does make me angry because it brings up a whole lot of memories of this feeling from my past. I’m sick of it and I don’t care who or what the feeling is coming from. I’m over it. 

I’m waiting on God to make his move while I’m also moving on. If my mentality or the way I feel or think doesn’t work or prevents me from receiving something then it wasn’t meant to be. 

I hear God is the king of circumstances. Currently the circumstances are unchanged. Yes that diminishes the trust and faith I have in what he is going to do. Nothing has changed. 

Experiencing God

Over the past couple months God has been saying to me. Make a choice. Choose. Commit. 

After what’s happened this week I’m choosing to commit what was spoken to me. I will commit despite all the judgement and prosecution it comes with. I will get better with trusting and having faith. I took screenshots of both definitions and used them as my background on my phone. I want to remind myself the actions required to practice those things.

I had been driving to work last week and kept seeing this huge yard sale going on. I was going to stop in but didn’t have cash and didn’t want to withdraw any. I got tipped $20 on Friday at my job so decided to stop by. 

I found this CD there… 

Every question id been having was answered. I’m realizing more and more that what is happening to me is supernatural. 

Henry Blackby talks about when God wants to intervene in your life He will make himself known ✅ He definitely did that and continues to do that. 

I’ve reached this place where everything is starting to make sense. Sermon after sermon has aligned with what’s going on now. The CD was a huge confirmation. 

I feel so blessed to be called to a higher purpose. I am not sure what this will bring when it’s finished but am looking forward to seeing what God is going to do. 

God has a sense of humor 

Today, a friend of mine suggested I listen to this sermon. I couldn’t help but laugh because God has a sense of humor. 

If you listened to the sermon I spoke about in my previous post, then you will understand why I am saying what I’m saying. Steven talks about Hagar as well but in a different way. He speaks about things that have been brought up in within my family. That God is peace and the devil is a mess. Spiritual warfare is not peaceful and any who thinks that hasn’t gone through that so doesn’t know. 

I have been wanting to give up again. I struggle, it’s not easy. Im the person that sermon is for. I need to stop blaming and forgive some people. 
(Favorite parts 4:00, 28:30) 

On the run

Do you remember when I spoke about Arizona? I sorta took off from where I live because I had had it. Enough was enough. Everyone is the same here and I am very different.

I “fled” packed all my things and left. (I’m so ready to do it again) lol I had little money, but God stepped. The funny thing is that I had no relationship with him at the time but I knew He was there. I just knew.

He provided for me the whole time. Although, it ended up I had to come back here. I hated the thought of it and being here I hate it. The feeling hasn’t changed. I don’t belong here.

Not long after I got back is when God spoke to me through Joyce Meyer saying Sarah will bear a child…

refer to my very first blog posts for the whole story…. yesterday I started listening to this sermon by the amazing Sarah Jakes Roberts. The funny thing about it is that it’s almost a parable to my whole experience.

I’ve been praying for a divine intervention and a visible sign of what’s been shown to me. I ask for your prayers as well. 

I understand God is working and His timing is better than anything. I’m yearning for this to be over. I know I can’t give up because God is using this to teach me something. I just want it to be all said and done, for the case to be closed, to move on completely, closure, results, visibility, bear the fruits of my faith labor.

This is my last long stretch. 

There will come a day

Lyrics

It’s not easy trying to understand

How the world can be so cold, stealing the souls of man

Cloudy skies rain down on all your dreams

You wrestle with the fear and doubt

Sometimes it’s hard but you gotta believe
There’s a better place, where our Father waits

And every tear He’ll wipe away

The darkness will be gone, the weak shall be strong

Hold on to your faith
There will come a day, there will come a day

Wars are raging, lives are scattered

Innocence is lost, and hopes are shattered

The old are forgotten, the children are forsaken

In this world we’re living in

Is there anything sacred?
There will come a day, there will come a day

The song will ring out, down those golden streets

The voices of earth with the angels will sing

Every knee will bow, sin will have no trace
In the glory of His amazing grace

Every knee will bow, sin will have no trace

In the glory of His amazing grace

There will come a day, there will come a day
Oooh there will come a day

I know there’s coming a day, coming a day

Truth, Success, results 

I feel like truth is measured by the amount of success and results seen by the eye.

Who can blame anyone who would have an amount of doubt against something because those two things were not produced.

Is it a sin to doubt something that isn’t seen by the eye? Am I human?

Especially given the amount of time to wait for the success and results. Doubt is inevitable.

If someone were in my position, I would not blame them for giving up. I would not blame them for feeling deprived and depressed and hopeless.

Especially knowing this person gave their all in believing in something that was unseen. The amount of courage it takes to believe in something that comes with a lot of adversity is a burden to bear.

How long can a person continue carrying on with such a burden? 

Sign after sign after sign after sign after sign after sign after sign after sign all unseen by the people outside of the tribulation personally experienced by the one going through it.

But did they not amount to anything?

What’s expected now? 

We meet at a crossroads. Now or never. I will not be shamed of my decision given what I have gone through despite the lack of understanding and persecution I will hear from others on both ends of the decision, whether continuing to believe or give up, it’s one I have to make.