Thoughts going through my head recently have been pretty logical.
It says God is Love. If that’s the case then why does he test people to see how faithful and loyal they are to him? Why would someone who loves you want to put you through hard times just to see how you’ll react? Like Job. God allowed Satan to mess up Jobs life and Job was rewarded because he didn’t blame God…. that doesn’t make sense to me.
If someone was being beat up by someone else I wouldn’t stand there to see what they’d do like a boxing match. Because I care I would do something about it so that person wouldn’t have to go through more pain.
I need certain things to move forward, to believe, and continue to have faith and increase my faith. Similar to working and getting paid. My check has been on back order.
For years I’d go on denying myself of what I needed to prevent chaos or any negativity. I’m not going to do that anymore. Now I stand up for myself because I deserve to give myself the best and what I need. I’m done feeling like my life is unfair because I didn’t go out to give myself what I need.
I grew up with family who went to church and believe in God yet some of them are completely miserable and are in denial about there own state of being. They simply don’t question anything.
Me on the other hand I am not going to believe in something just because a promise is waved in front of me or because I’m told to believe in it. Something needs to happen or make sense to me in order for me to commit my life to it.
Now there has been quite a few supernatural things that have taken place that would prove there is a supernatural. But until what has been revealed to me happens it’s simply just supernatural things that have happened.
It’s like being promised something and it’s taken so long that it’s like yeah some cool stuff happened but to make it real would be follow through. I understand there is a time and a season for harvest blah blah.
Things lose there flavor. Things start to die. The only thing to do is move on.
I don’t have a fight left in me anymore. I’ve always been the type of person who ends up not caring anymore. I become indifferent because I’ve held on for as long as I could but nothing’s changed and nothings happened.
The videos, songs, specific words said to me have lost there meaning.
Now I will move on with positive thinking. I’m not going to let this experience rob me of my happiness.
I wanted to believe in God but at this point there are too many contradictions.
I feel if God loved me this would have gone a different way. I feel like if God was real He wouldn’t have allowed me to get to this point. He would care about my salvation. I feel if God loved me He would understand what I need, why I feel the way I do, and be there to create positive change.
I need to see things happen at this point and that is what I need. I’ve asked like it says in the Bible but I have yet to receive. In order to increase my faith I need success in certain things and that has yet to happen. The road has not been prosperous which brings me to why I feel the way I do right now. I’m not going to feel down on myself because I made a choice to be open to God and it failing. I gave everything I had but it hasn’t been successful thus giving up and moving on seems like the best thing to do.
I read the other day. If God wants to bless you he will find a way for you to get that blessing. If God loves me He will still bless me despite my decision because he will understand why.
I’ve been through a lot and I’m tired of being strung along. I’m ready to see things happen. I did the best I could but my efforts have been exhausted.
My logic is let’s hypothetically say the supernatural things weren’t from God. If God loved me and cared about my salvation He wouldn’t have allowed it to happen knowing all about everything like exactly how I’m feeling right now. I will not blame myself for what I believe from the supernatural things that happened because I didn’t ask for this, it just happened to me then I started to do my part in seeking Him and understanding.
I can only do what I know is best. As far as where I am today there is no evidence that God is working in my life. Nothing beyond normal human changes with time have happened. Which brings me to why at this point I think it’s more about a persons mentality than God.
I believe the truth always reveals itself in time. Things can be talked about all day and night. But the truth always comes to light.
I’d have more faith if I had more success.
I’d have more trust if things happened.
It’s been a year and a half so if someone wants to say be patient, be on your way. If nothing has progressed in that time to me that reveals that it’s because of my thinking. I believe if God was there the results would be different. The progress would be greater and more obvious. Growth creates change but it’s slow much like what I’ve experienced. Supernatural things have happened in my life but nothing within me.
That’s just the truth.
To me God is a force beyond positive thinking and that force has been absent. The proof is in the pudding.
I don’t need another tribulation. I need a miracle. I don’t need another test. I need results.